Meaningful Connecting Dialog

Monday, October 29th, 2007

I recently raised the topic of church with people of varying ages who were over for dinner.  All of us had long history of church attendance in our backgrounds, some still attend church and others don’t, but as we moved beyond the “surface” it felt like each one of us was conflicted about the role and call of the church in our particular situations.  We discovered the common thread was our desire to be faithful followers of Christ and a longing for a “safe place” to bring our questions, frustrations and leadings regarding what that following meant for us both personally and collectively.   This conversation and others have made me wonder about our openness for dialog regarding church.

In early November, Jon and I are going to attend a conference sponsored by Off the Map; an organization that seeks to connect with Spiritual Explorers (people who are trying to make sense out of life and suspect God might somehow be involved).  This conference will focus on providing space for meaningful and connecting dialog, which they suggest, is possible only if we move from “tell” to “listen and ask.” 

So, I’ve been spending some time on their website (www.offthemap.com) when I came across a recent posting in which a 23-year-old man wrote that, “the church sucks.” Jim Henderson, co-founder and executive director of Off the Map, picked up that remark and included it in an opening headline on the website.  Needless to say, he received quite a few concerned comments and he later apologized for unwisely including the off-the-cuff-remark.  But what follows was of great value to me.  He wrote:

 “Just to keep things real and not allow us to slip into non-critical thinking I need to say that when a 23-year-old young person tells me he/she thinks church sucks:

1) I listen
2) I ask why
3) I resist the urge to correct him/her
4) I say thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth - I take that as a compliment

I don’t expect them to “take care” of my feelings, opinions or perceptions. Nor do I expect them to have the broadest viewpoint available. They are after all, still young.

What bothers me more is when people my age (45 +) - people with a lot of church time in and  people who themselves know that church can suck enough of the time to bother even them- when they get defensive or go all theological on the younger person- they spend more time telling instead of asking. That is what I truly think is more dangerous and disappointing in the long run.

The particular young man who said this to me is not a disenfranchised angst filled youth. He came straight from Christian stock- his parents are believers and he in fact volunteers full time as an intern for free in one of Seattle’s most cutting edge churches - He is doing work for Off The Map for free so that people who are coming to Off The Map Live will have a better experience.

Bottom line - he earned the right to have an opinion that I took seriously. I wouldn’t have printed it otherwise.

Even though I say all of this, I still am happy that a couple of close friends (who have also earned the right to have me listen closely to what they say) suggested that I apologize. I agree with them that it was not a wise move but I also agree with my young friend that something is seriously broken (a more polite and socially acceptable way to say that church sucks) with what we call church and for that I will not apologize.

I am honored that my young friend trusts me enough to tell me the truth.”

Trusting enough to tell the truth, or I might say, “speaking my truth or my experience,” can be difficult.  The saying, “the truth hurts,” isn’t far from my thoughts, and frankly I don’t like to feel hurt and I don’t like to cause hurt.  The words I have to say are not entirely true but they are not entirely untrue.  They are the best words I have at the time.  Therefore, I appreciate the Quaker understanding that one person seldom possesses all the truth of a situation but it is as we each bring our pieces of truth that a greater truth can be known and then, “way” can open. Many times we refer to this process as group discernment.    

It appears to me that there are many more folks than just youth who are feeling that something is seriously broken (a more polite way and socially acceptable way to say that church sucks) with what we call church, to quote the posting above.  I’m curious about the number of Christ followers who currently find themselves outside the walls of an institutional church.  Some have even gone so far and wonder out loud if perhaps Christ is leading folks outside the church? The specifics of this could mean a variety of things and I’m not suggesting that I have any definitive answer about whether people should or should not leave church.  I have many more questions than answers but I can say I have benefited when others have trusted me enough to tell me their truth.  At these times I have to remember to listen, ask why, resist the urge to correct and express my appreciation for trusting me enough to share their truth.

I am looking forward to the conference.  I’m sure I will have some of my buttons pushed but I hope I can remain open to new ways God may be leading.  I also trust that as we continue to dialog together about church and being faithful followers of Christ we will have the grace for meaningful and connecting dialog which will propel us past our own brokenness, fear or disillusionment so that we can be the light of Christ in service to others.

                                                                                                                                    ~Lynn

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